BroBible
If you’ve ever found yourself screaming into a throw pillow after your team blew another fourth-quarter lead, or developed a twitch every time the phrase “America’s Team” is uttered on national television, good news: you may be entitled to financial compensation.
A new (and, let’s be clear, entirely satirical) “Fan Compensation Index” from Covers.com has finally put a price tag on the emotional damage and psychological distress inflicted by all 32 NFL franchises. Using a proprietary formula that weighs decades of trauma, recent meltdowns, and the general volatility of a fan base, the index calculates exactly how much restitution each long-suffering supporter is owed in a hypothetical class-action lawsuit.
Here’s a quick look at what some of the most aggrieved fan bases are owed:
Unsurprisingly, Dallas Cowboys fans are the lead plaintiffs. Topping the list with a staggering $1,850 settlement per fan, their grievance is a masterclass in misery: decades of inflated expectations, zero NFC Championship appearances since 1996, and a unique talent for primetime implosions. The settlement includes one pre-cleared, character-limit-free vent tweet per week and, most importantly, “a safe, Jerry-free zone for postgame processing.”
But the Cowboys aren’t the only ones with a case. Cleveland Browns fans, long-term residents of the “factory of sadness” in the “mistake by the lake” (…probably the meanest nickname for a city ever!) are owed $1,775 for enduring a revolving door of quarterbacks and a special kind of dysfunction that feels both historic and impressively innovative. Their settlement package includes a complimentary “Hope is Not a Strategy” bumper sticker.
The index is full of painful truths. Giants and Jets fans are neck-and-neck in the race for New York misery, while Dolphins supporters can file a claim for the emotional whiplash of a mid-season surge that led absolutely nowhere. Even the Baltimore Ravens, a model of regular-season competence, owe their fans $773 for “cumulative postseason mental hardship and recursive heartbreak syndrome.”
The methodology is as brilliant as it is absurd, combining a “Grievance Score” with a “Fan Stress Multiplier.” It accounts for everything from blown leads and meme-able embarrassments to the sheer exhaustion of being stuck in a narrative that never, ever changes.
But the Cowboys aren’t the only ones with a case. Cleveland Browns fans, long-term residents of the “factory of sadness,” are owed $1,775 for enduring a revolving door of quarterbacks and a special kind of dysfunction that feels both historic and impressively innovative. Their settlement package includes a complimentary “Hope is Not a Strategy” bumper sticker.
The Covers index reads a catalog of specific acts of managerial malpractice designed to inflict maximum pain, not just a who’s who of bad records.
For example, in Chicago, Bears fans are owed $860 a piece for what the settlement calls “Chronic Organizational Dysfunction,” which fits well for a team that got its star rookie quarterback sacked 68 times and...
