Cincy Jungle
I want to know who it was.
Which one of you Bengals fans made a deal with some eldritch power far beyond your comprehension? Because now, thanks to your inability to read the fine print, we’re all stuck in football purgatory—maybe even hell, depending on how long you’ve been here.
The Bengals were embarrassed again in Week 5. The 37–24 final score was deceptively close; the game itself never was. The Lions practically begged the Bengals to stay in it, but Cincinnati refused to oblige.
Defensively, it actually wasn’t a complete disaster. They’re playing with both hands tied behind their backs because the offense is horrific. Jake Browning threw three interceptions—each one somehow worse than the one before—and by the time the Bengals finally found the end zone, it was too little, too late.
Zac Taylor’s seat has to be burning hotter than the surface of the sun. I say that knowing full well Marvin Lewis lasted in Cincinnati for roughly five centuries, but Taylor has been outcoached in every game this season. The only thing that ever saved him was Joe Burrow.
I titled this “The Definition of Insanity” for a reason.
You know the saying: Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. Throwing the body snatcher wearing Browning’s face out there three straight weeks, hoping the offense will suddenly function—that’s insanity.
But so is this: shopping at the last K-Mart for offensive linemen year after year, and then acting surprised when your quarterback—who already struggles to stay healthy—gets battered into oblivion again. That’s insanity, too.
This season was doomed before it started. Once again, the Bengals failed to protect their most valuable asset, and now they’re paying the price.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
And about those paper bags in the stands?
Every fan could wear one, scribbling the ugliest things imaginable about Mike Brown and his family, and it still wouldn’t change a thing. The only thing that will?
Seats that look like this.
What happens next probably depends on how much optimism you have left.
If you think a quarterback change could somehow stabilize things long enough for Joe Burrow to return around the holidays, then maybe the move is to trade a late-round pick for a stopgap. Russell Wilson, Jameis Winston—someone, anyone—who can keep the offense on life support until the franchise quarterback is back.
But if you’re a realist (which is really just a polite way of saying “Bengals fan”), then it’s time to start thinking about moving pieces and salvaging something from these last two wasted seasons.
Start with Trey Hendrickson. He’s rotting on a team going nowhere fast. Do him a favor—send him to a contender and get a draft pick while you can.
Then ask yourself: who are the non-rookies this team is actually building around?
Burrow, Chase, Higgins—sure. But beyond that?
Is Amarius Mims showing enough to be part of that core? Orlando Brown Jr. definitely isn’t.
On defense, Dax Hill has flashed,...
