Acme Packing Company
I’m bored. All of the commentary is poems this week.
Week 15 is over, and for your old-timey power rankings, Peter has you covered somewhere on this site, but over on this side we’re trying something a little different. This is the unholy alliance of technology and the ancient art of the scribe, and we’re using our best cyber technology and knowledge of Haiku, limerick, and existential contemplation to generate objective rankings that also happen to be beautiful. Power rankings are all about arguing about why they’re wrong, and it’s one thing to be subjectively wrong like Peter, and it’s quite another to be objectively wrong with style. And so, in the spirit of being objectively wrong (with style) we have created C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.O.R., the Comprehensive Analysis of League Competition Using Latest Analytics To Organize Rankings.
What goes into Calculator? Basically, every advanced stat I have available, in addition to data based on net point differential, and the current Super Bowl odds from our friends at FanDuel. I run some formulas to smooth everything out, create a unified scale, and here we go! You can see the rankings week by week here.
This week, the Lions crash hard due to their loss, and massive injuries, while the Packers crack the 90 barrier. Let’s get to it!
1. Buffalo Bills: CALCULATOR Score: 135.56, Change from last week, 25.76 –
Bills Scored forty-eight
On the ghost of the Lions
First in EPA
2. Detroit Lions: 128.01, -41.91
Lions lost present
They also lost the future
A mighty tumble
3. Philadelphia Eagles: 126.26, 8.08
NFC Favorites
Moved with ease against Pittsburgh
And everyone else
4. Baltimore Ravens: 108.6, 8.26
Defense is lacking
Closer to Bills than you’d think
First DVOA
5. Kansas City Chiefs: 108.32, -6.68
A multi-score win
Because of Jameis’ three picks
It was just the Browns
6. Green Bay Packers: 90.39, 7.36
Thirty points again.
Sleeping giant awakens
Gaining a new edge
7. Minnesota Vikings: 89.90, 4.78
Jaylon v. Justin
Is more entertaining than
Vikings versus Bears
8. Pittsburgh Steelers: 72.81, -5.31
No picks, no Pickens
And no stopping DeVonta
AJ, or Jalen
9. Houston Texans: 72.03, 2.18
Houston and Denver
Identical EPA
On offense. Worse D.
10. Tampa Bay Bucs: 70.99, 4.16
Mike Evans Never
Had less than one thousand yards
Pace: nine fifty-four
11. Denver Broncos: 70.88, -.32
For Denver: three touchdowns, three picks
And that’s how it went for Bo Nix,
But Jonathan Taylor’s
Incredible failure
A turnover instead of six.
12. Washington Commanders: 68.20, .45
Jayden took eight sacks
Terry had two quick touchdowns
Rattler nearly bit.
13. Los Angeles Chargers: 67.96, -4.21
A team built on D
Cannot allow forty points
To the Buccaneers
14. Los Angeles Rams: 66.68, 1.76
When playing in inclement weather
The Rams offensive line worked together
The Niners had Kittle,
Kyren up the middle
And Puka Nacua were better.
15. Arizona Cardinals: 62.25, -.14
Yes, you beat the Pats
But Trey McBride still remains
Always a bridesmaid
16. San Francisco 49ers:...
