Acme Packing Company
You’re not going to like what you see when wake up and look in the mirror tomorrow.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have a legitimate issue at the quarterback position, with only Mason Rudolph and sixth round rookie Will Howard on the team (in addition to Skylar Thompson). And if there’s one spot you don’t want to find yourself in, it’s desperate at quarterback. You go out, hit the town all dressed up in your brand new DK Metcalf, you’ve spurned Justin Fields figuring you can do better, but as the dance floor clears out and you watch Sam Darnold head out and Geno Smith head out and your old ex Russell deciding to try to hit it big in New York, you realize it’s just you.
Well, just you, and this creepy old guy hanging at the end of the bar. He’s been there all night shamelessly checking out every team, sipping what looks like kombucha. You’ve heard him talk about his past exploits when Minnesota walked by, and they sounded solid enough, but he also tried to impress by claiming he could play “Mr. Jones” on the guitar, he loved some movie called “Bottle Rocket,” and asked to become Facebook friends with Miami. There were a lot of red flags.
Then again, if even half of his claims are true, you’re probably thinking that maybe this won’t be the worst decision. Maybe this will work out fine, and heck, it’s just for one season. You’ve been with plenty of guys for one season, especially recently. And so, you promise yourself that after tonight you’ll finally start looking for something serious, but you’re not going home empty-handed, and so you strike up a conversation.
He seems harmless enough at first, though he is cagey about his politics. He says he’s “not really political” and “socially liberal, but fiscally conservative.” You take a step back and notice he looks smaller than you thought and has a few nasty scars on his legs, which isn’t the end of the world except you’re pretty used to mobile guys at this point. Justin was so fast; you miss him already.
He tells you he has a podcast (red flag) and he’s big into natural healing, which seems to conflict with the scars, but whatever, at least he probably eats right. You tell him about this great deep threat receiver you just brought in, and he casually mentions that lately he prefers short throws and thought that “having an intended air yards under seven was the way to go.” He mentions wanting to introduce DK to his friend Allen, and you think that it’s at least nice that he has a friend, and that he’s looking out for him.
You learn he doesn’t eat cheese, that he tried a darkness retreat but couldn’t go the distance, and that he’s dated a few famous people. You do some Googling, and it raises more red flags, but he is right that Mahomes isn’t throwing downfield anymore either. He...
