The Falcoholic
Let’s make a deal, or at least imagine a few.
The media gods have selected the Atlanta Falcons as the team to pump for summer news. The Michael Penix Jr. pumping is much appreciated, but it’s the players fans seem to have the lowest outlook on that are getting all the attention.
Kirk Cousins finds himself in the middle of more offseason drama, which is kind of his MO. Analysts and fans are drooling over the opportunity to talk about a geriatric quarterback going for a Day 3 pick, so much so that ESPN proposed four trades that will ship the veteran out and guarantee a Super Bowl for the Falcons.
With that being said, let’s make (an imaginary) deal!
Anytime you can add a Super Bowl-winning quarterback to the roster, you get it done. In this scenario, the Falcons add the smallest hands in the league, Kenny Pickett. This will help establish natural dominance in the room once Penix’s combine-record top-10 mitts swallow those Cabbage Patch Kid hands.
On top of that, the Falcons get a sixth-round pick and $20M in cash after fronting $17.5M to move Cousins. The Cleveland Browns would love to add another QB to their stable because if you have two starting quarterbacks, you have none, but if you have four starting quarterbacks, you have two. It’s simple calculus, dear reader.
Sometimes, you’ve got to leave home to understand what you had, and Cousins learned that the hard way. This trade reunites the vet with the coach who has gotten the most out of the quarterback. A 2026 and 2027 Day 3 pick is on the table (plus $10M in cash), but the team should see if they can squeeze a 2029 fourth-round pick while they’re at it.
A Minnesota Vikings reunion doesn’t make much sense, but that’s what makes this trade genius; no one would see it coming. While the league is asleep at the wheel, Fontenot could turn Cousins into a king’s ransom.
I had high expectations for the top nerd [complimentary] at ESPN, and Solak didn’t disappoint. The Falcons give up Cousins and a lot of money in the process ($20M or more) for a conditional fifth-round pick. Here’s why I love this move:
Cousins can’t move off his spot or run play action at a high level, and that’s precisely what Arthur Smith would ask of him. Solak, you sly dog, you can’t fool me with this Trojan horse, but you will most certainly fool the likes of Arthur Smith.
